Why Don’t Your Kids Take No For An Answer

Children test us all the time. They are constantly trying to test the limits we place on them. A no for an answer is not enough for them, who always want more of everything, no matter what if they like it. Challenging the rules and testing ourselves as parents or educators is an exciting challenge for them.

Without a doubt, one of the most exhausting tasks of being a parent is the struggle of keeping boundaries in place, enforcing rules, and maintaining discipline. The worst of all is that, the more times you say no, the more interest the children show in getting what they want, to see if we give in out of sheer boredom.

Why do children do this?

Children behave this way because they need to experiment, explore ways to find out which one works to get what they want. Deep down we should be happy that they behave like this, since it is a way of showing nonconformity in the face of what they do not like or what they do not consider appropriate. Of course, they don’t have the age or criteria to know what is appropriate or not, but at least they show character and determination, rather than submission.

But this behavior is also a way of responding by children to the weaknesses of their parents. If children have detected inconsistency in the rules or lack of coherence between the different people with whom they live or educate them, they will try to take advantage of it. Just like lawyers do in court, but they by their own intuition.

The key to keeping things in place is consistency and consistency, that is, doing what has been said to be done, without hesitation.  With consistency, boundary tests are kept to a minimum, as children learn that norms established by words have a parallel correlate in reality.

Variable ratio reinforcement for our children

Children whose parents are inconsistent tend to keep limits and rules to the test, hoping to bend them. When children perceive that the rules are only sometimes enforced and that the fact that they are followed or not is random, they will try to exploit this chance, insisting, “buying ballots”, until the norm is broken.

Psychologists call this principle variable ratio reinforcement. Think of a rat pushing a lever that is offered food pellets. If the lever offers food pellets at fixed intervals, that is, predictable, the rat will know exactly when it is going to get food. The rat will not wait for food at other times.

But if the lever provides food at unpredictable (variable) intervals, the rat will not know if it is going to get food after a push, so it will keep pushing in the hope that food will come out.

Something similar happens with children and limits. When the parents’ response to a situation is inconsistent and therefore unpredictable, this inconsistency motivates children to keep trying to get what they want until they get the answer they want. Thus, there is nothing better to maintain a behavior than a reinforcement of variable reason, something that many parents ignore when they finally give up.

The first thing is to overcome parental incoherence

Parental inconsistency usually happens for a number of reasons. One of the reasons for parental incoherence may be due to a lack of attention and understanding of their role as educators. That is, they are not realizing the inconsistency of their behavior. This makes the situation increasingly complicated, since parents are unable to understand their responsibility and their ability to influence the situation.

Another reason that explains parental incoherence is laziness or discomfort of following through with the consequences. This means that these consequences are varied depending on the interests of the parents and that the figure of second and third opportunities appears. Children quickly pick up on this pattern and play with it, even pitting parents or guardians against each other, leading to an untenable situation.

Another reason that explains parental incoherence is that parents cannot follow through with the consequences because it is beyond their control, either because the person in charge of their children does not comply with or enforce the prescribed discipline, or because a unfeasible consequence.

Final thoughts

If as a parent you want to get your child to accept no for an answer when you say no or when you say enough, what you should do is set clear rules that everyone knows, and mark the consequences well. Always the same and proportionate: it is not worth the first ones that occur to you, it is good that you take a moment to think about them. Finally, you must constantly monitor that what is being said is what is going to be done.

If the problem of incoherence comes because not all the people responsible for your children are really responsible, do not despair. Make it clear to your children what will happen if they do not follow the rules when they are not there. Assume that you may have to educate those irresponsible adults as well.

If you assume your educating role, regardless of who it may be, your children will see you as a reference and you will maintain your authority. If there is someone who thinks it is wrong – there will be many – it is not your problem. Your problem is your son. Your obligation is to educate him, not to please those who do not respect you or validate vague and incoherent attitudes.