Why Don’t We Like Being Told What To Do?

Why don’t we like being told what to do? We often act as rebels without a cause, as quiet reactionaries to the advice of others, to the directives that others willingly give us, and also as proud figures who hate to take orders from positions of greater authority.

It is true that in our daily lives we receive more than one recommendation, advice that we do not ask for and even specific guidelines. However, many times we process them with annoyance and even anger. We even feel the need to shy away from someone who is trying to tell us what we should do.

It is as if inside us there is a kind of detector that begins to sound when someone comes to us with phrases that begin with ” you have to or should …” . Why then is it that a large part of the population has aversion to orders, advice or suggestions?

Brain science gives us the answer. We analyze it.

Reasons why we don’t like being told what to do

It may be curious, but one of the first words children learn to say is “no.” As soon as they begin to communicate, this word comes up almost instantly to make it clear that they do not want that food, that they do not want that toy, or that they are not going to stop doing what they are doing. Setting limits and reacting to the authority of parents is an early behavior that appears in all children.

As human beings, there is something that clearly defines us and it is the desire for independence and autonomy. On average, we want to have the greatest possible freedom when making decisions, to be independent when making our way through life without the slab of rules or impositions of others. In this way, when we suddenly feel that others are imposing their guidelines on us, that neurological “rebel” in us is activated.

Now, but why don’t we like being told what to do? What mechanism regulates that sensation?

The psychological reactance: do not violate my freedom!

Since the psychologist J. W Brehm introduced this term in 1966, we have known much more about this dimension. Psychological reactance defines that behavioral resistance to the social influence of others. It is also a response that the brain orchestrates when it feels threatened personal freedom. Dr. Brehmem pointed out the following:

On the other hand, research works, such as those carried out at the University of Salzburg (Austria), indicate that we do not like being told what to do because two dimensions are activated in the brain. On the one hand, there is the emotional mechanism. The organism experiences anger, rage, hostility and discomfort when someone gives us an order.

Likewise, very concrete thoughts emerge in our minds, orchestrated by psychological reactance. They are ideas of self-protection and self-defense: “they are limiting my decision-making capacity, they are challenging my identity, my freedom, my ability to act on my own, etc.”

There are individual differences: some of us are more reactive and others less

There is something we must take into account. Not everyone is comfortable without guidance, advice, or even orders. People who prefer to have a well-established life proliferate, a job in which the responsibilities are held by others and one is limited only to following what is established.

There are therefore people with a greater tolerance to the psychological reactance of the brain and others with a clear aversion to receiving orders and even the slightest suggestion. This is the extreme case and often the most problematic. We have all known someone to whom nothing can be said. Those who react with anger abound and those who end up doing just the opposite of what is suggested to them (although with their own behavior they lead to a bad result).

This information is important. Studies such as those carried out at the University of Oklahoma indicate that this last reality, that of extreme psychological reactance, can be a danger to public health. We are seeing it in the current pandemic with those who refuse to follow health regulations.

Likewise, something interesting was also shown with this work. Sometimes telling or suggesting to a person to do what they think is best for their health causes them to act wisely (Bessarabova, Fink & Turner, 2013; Miller et al., 2007).

People do not like to be told what to do (the sensitive ego)

Most of us think we have a rebellious ego. It is true that people do not like to be told what to do. However, more than a rebellious self what we have is a sensitive ego. When someone gives us an order, what we do not like is to show that others can dominate us. It is to perceive ourselves inferior and even vulnerable.

Sometimes that innate pride that activates psychological reactance may be useful to us. However, there are situations in which it is good and even necessary, to accept advice and follow recommendations. Moreover, in our day to day we receive daily requests that should not be interpreted in a challenging way.

If our partner asks us to put in a washing machine or if our father asks us to buy him something certain, we do not have to react with anger or discomfort. A request is not a threat, it is part of the normal flow of coexistence. Let’s reflect on it.