The Fear Of Rejection
The need for integration is something we experience since we are little. Groups are already formed in the schoolyard and no one wants to stay without belonging to one, even if this involves certain sacrifices, such as having to change the activities that we like for others that are shared or well accepted in the group.
The truth is that maturity makes us see these types of situations with another perspective, we learn that sometimes it is not wrong to be different or to defend a position that no one or very few support; however, we do not become immune to the pleasure of being integrated into a group of people.
The fear of rejection that produces anguish and seriously affects the stability of the person is nothing more than a radicalization of a fear that deep down we all share. The truth is that this fear feeds back, since it can be precisely the cause that we find ourselves with the dreaded rejection. Why? Because out of fear of rejection, just like when we were little, we try to become who we think others want or accept. Thus, without realizing it, we can provoke a feeling of artificiality in others that effectively provokes the dreaded rejection.
The fear of being rejected can cause serious upheavals and problems not only emotionally but also physically. At the time of “facing” the opinion or the simple fact of participating in a meeting, the opportunity to meet someone on a date or in a job interview, etc. the person who suffers this fear feels threatened, anguished, depressed, embarrassed, etc .; among other feelings.
It is more than frequent that this person also feels very insecure and even anxious, wanting the situation to pass as quickly as possible. Simply thinking about the impact that your clothing, your hairstyle, your sayings, your laughter, etc. will have on others is a cause for total concern. When they must face reality, they blush, suffer from palpitations, sweat more than necessary, feel dry mouth and have the urgent need to “run away”, for example, asking permission to go to the bathroom.
The most dependent people are those who have a great need to be approved by others, be it their partner, their parents, their friends, their co-workers, their high school colleagues, their boss, their siblings, their neighbors or even their unknown. When they come across a hostile or not quite “pretty” environment, they get scared. The fear of rejection is such that they try to imitate the behavior of others and behave in a very different way than they really are.
Self-censorship and role reversal (or role playing) produces loss of identity, all to avoid disapproval. But behind this, there is undoubtedly a much more serious problem: an inferiority complex and very low self-esteem. In most cases this is a direct consequence of an overly demanding or self-critical family environment, where parents only wanted their children to fulfill their expectations and unfulfilled dreams.
There are also situations that are traumatic during the school stage and those wounds do not heal so easily. For example, when classmates make fun of the one who got bad grades, he managed to jump so high or run so fast, he wears glasses or braces on his teeth, something happened to his clothes, he made a mistake in front of the others in the class, etc. Believe it or not, this can continue to affect a person’s psyche for many years, even after they are adults and have finished school.
In many cases, it is the prejudices themselves that marginalize the person, make them lose their spontaneity, their “spark”. He believes that he has nothing worthwhile to contribute to society or to the group of friends, that they are not intelligent enough to give an opinion or say something that is interesting, that truly “adds”.
That is why they adopt a behavior of hiding or escaping, also of anonymity, to never stand out or attract attention. They think that nobody wants to listen to them when in fact they are the ones who do not tolerate their words. They prefer to say “I agree” or “I think it’s fine” before getting into a controversy, defending a position or arguing with someone.
The need to please others is very harmful to ourselves, because we renounce our desires and betray ourselves, we feel uncomfortable, we avoid meetings, parties or events, we prefer to be silent, etc.
It can occur when starting a relationship with a partner to please a boss in a new job. The need for approval is such that we do not show who we really are, we fear abandonment, rejection and indifference. It is therefore necessary to break with prejudices and risk a little more to be authentic or spontaneous, but without exaggerating. The change must be gradual and analyzing the effects it causes.
Photo courtesy of Elena Dijour
