I Can’t Forget You: The Unforgettable In The Separation Processes

Not being able to forget the ex-partner does not imply that one is lying in bed doing nothing, thrown into existence or with eyes eternally red from crying.

While the unforgotten goes on with his life, the forgetful does too: he works, has his activities, outings, also romances and everything apparently goes, but the separation is always there like a backpack that is carried.

The other is that person that one has not been able to forget ; moreover, their company is still desired, even if they both have a new partner. It is that name that reverberates in the silences, in the night when the absence is present, in which I will never be with her again, the one that pushes the “ if there were… ” to appear, the memory of what was done in company , longing for tender moments or unease at the memory of moments of aggression.

The worst of all is that this feeling is very difficult to share, since friends are often tired of enduring memories and conversations on the same topic … and even come to hate the ex-spouse. So how can you forget who you loved so much?

Your ghost haunts me: I can’t forget you

Life passes through therapeutic clinics and when emotions are sifted it is inevitable that, to a greater or lesser extent, there will be conflicts. In matters of love, both the noblest feelings and the most sordid passions are expressed and there is a multiplicity of situations that generates adhesion to an ex-partner after the separation.

It is clear (is it clear?) That it is not always love that produces such adhesion, since it is not the same to be in love as it is to be hooked, linked, trapped, trapped or stuck, among other types of relationships.

When a consultation is requested for this type of love situation, the person is desperate because he does not know how to forget the other, then it is worth asking: ” Who can live with a ghost that is present at all times and in all places?” .

Some attend a session with the aim of spreading the mental rumination that haunts them over and over again. At the other pole, there are those who come to the psychologist for a formula to try to get the couple back. The latter are those who have unsuccessfully attended tarot readers, witches, seers and have even lit candles of all colors and have been involved in performing numerous esotericisms.

Of course, in human vicissitudes it is impossible to apply general or even logics. Among the many motivations that generate this type of difficulty to separate, one of them is the idealization of the lost person.

Those negative aspects that led to the separation are forgotten and only those that loved each other are remembered. In addition, these aspects are exalted until a kind of demigod is created in the ex-partner. And as time passes, these idealizations strengthen until it becomes unbearable not to be with that person.

• There are also manipulative ex-spouses who are in charge of creating a degree of dependence on the other, who play with guilt and keep the flame of the bond alight.

• There are also undecided and ambivalent people who generate expectations in the person they have left, even though they have already formed a new partner.
• There are others who have difficulty working out duels and goodbyes and experience melancholy without being able to cope with the separation, as time passes.
• On the other hand, others play at being cheerful and quickly get involved in compulsive outings, sporadic romances, change their aesthetics, etc. After all that deployment, they cry for the love lost a year later.

First of all, it is necessary to bear in mind that in love, we do not love the other in totality, but only certain fractions that by values, beliefs, tastes, etc. makes us want to engage in a relationship.

How do you keep thinking about him after everything that happened!

The trapping link is irrational. That is, it resists all logic. Despite the fact that the separation has been one of the most coherent decisions, the lost person constitutes the north of the thoughts of the one who has been abandoned  to such an extent that the feelings cannot be commented to anyone, since the environment is responsible for remembering how bad he has felt and how much he has suffered in the relationship, comments that he refuses to hear.

Then, friends and family are in charge of activating the memory and the person becomes silent before them or worse, gets angry and argues because of the confrontational position they have adopted. Thus, she looks for new friends to release the tensions coming from her memories and preventing herself from forgetting.

The ghost of the lost spouse appears again and again until it is present almost every moment. Thus, the person focuses his attention only on it and his world of activities is impoverished. In addition, mental rumination with intrusive thoughts produces overwhelming psychic exhaustion.

The person is stressed, anguished and filled with anxiety. She is stuffed with repetitive thoughts and sometimes symptoms such as compulsive smoking or even panic or anxiety disorders can appear, as well as a decrease in self-esteem.

The obsessive focus on the lost spouse prevents forgetting and looking at other possible relationships. For the desiring person there is no other being in the world than the one who has been lost.

Sometimes, the person they have left can start a chase of the other, either by whatshapp, call, email or even waiting for them anywhere. He becomes a kind of detective who investigates everything the other does while making hypotheses about their behaviors and feelings.

It is a rather unpleasant situation for both the investigator and the investigated because one is hooked on the other and that other tries to free himself and have his space.

How do I get it out of my head?

Once the ghost of the other person has been established in the day to day, it is already part of their daily life. So it is quite difficult to eradicate him from his thoughts, both him and the modus operandi that he has established in which he continuously searches and investigates him. Thus, the ghost has become someone of the family, one more member of the system of the person left impossible to forget.

One of the ways to lighten this emotional backpack is to understand, and where possible accept, the sick game that the person they have left generates and of which the other person can be an accomplice if they do not establish certain limits.

It is also necessary to have a correct record of whether the person who has decided to leave has created expectations of some kind or perhaps is keeping a door open in a diffuse way to a possible contact. For example, if instead of expressing a NO, you say NI, if you stay attached to the game due to sadness at seeing the ex-partner’s pleas for the return or if you set limits from anger, which generates greater confusion and complication of the game .

In all cases, what you try to avoid is more of the same, which are the interactions that stagnate the game and do not produce change. The left must end the boring approach and thus the unforgotten will feel freer, but also the left freer.

Be that as it may, in the struggles of love and love breakups there are no stipulated formulas, although there are characteristics that are repeated in many people, but the solutions are particular.

We do not know why we fall in love or why we break up, we only make rational and explanatory hypotheses that help us survive the trance. As expressed in the song Las things del wanting, which says: “s on things in life, they are the things of wanting, they have no end or beginning, neither who eats nor why. You are tall and I am short, you are blond and I toast, you from Sevilla la llana and I from Puerto Real. There is nothing that has to do, color or height, with the things of love “.