Before I Love You, I Love Myself

Let me tell you that before giving myself to you I need to give myself, know all my nooks and crannies and enter the quietest and darkest areas of my soul. I want to know each and every one of my secrets, to know what is good and what is bad for me, and to inquire into their why. I am one of those who thinks that before I love you, you have to know how to say I love myself to be fair to the other.

I need to know what my wounds are and what is the exact spot that makes them bleed again. Knowing my strengths and knowing what defines me the most, what is my footprint, my strong point … for later when the occasion requires it, give it to you with a smile. I prefer to love myself first so that I can love you well and healthily. And if you still doubt, do not worry, when you finish reading this letter you will understand everything I say.

When he did not know how to love me

I began to realize the importance of loving myself when I had forgotten to.  Just when I was at my worst and I used to beg for love from others to feel good.

My false well-being depended on the approval of others and their state of mind.  If they decided to value me and give me a compliment, I thought I was happy, while when they criticized and belittled me, I considered myself a failure. Without knowing it, I would give the keys to my well-being to anyone, forgetting about myself.

So much so that I ended up being the one that other people wanted and for me she was a complete stranger. I didn’t even know what I liked, where I wanted to go or what my dreams were because they told me everything. I was denying myself the opportunity to meet, although the truth is that I did not even know that this was possible.

One fine day I exploded, alone, but I did. At first I did not know what was happening to me, I just felt discomfort and cried, but as time went by I realized that it was a call for help to myself. From there, I began to be aware that I could not remain someone by halves and at the expense of what others thought. I got tired of being who I was not so that the rest would be fine and I began to discover myself little by little. I began to love myself.

I love myself like this, imperfect but authentic

Suddenly I realized that I could be more independent than I imagined, that my opinion was also valid and that my eyes were beautiful. I loved realizing that I knew how to act without others giving me their approval (although believe me, it cost me his …).

He appreciated me, wondered how I was doing and if the day had appeared cloudy I even proposed to make plans to make the sun rise. I no longer needed others to tell me what it was worth because I, autonomously, was capable of recognizing it;  if they gave me a criticism or I didn’t know how to do something, it was not me who doubted.

I learned to love my flaws and try to improve them and value my achievements and abilities, and with that I abandoned the obsessive thought of being perfect to please everyone. Now, I love my imperfections because otherwise it would be like amputating a part of me …

I love myself to prevent you from rescuing me

Surely you will wonder what all this has to do with loving me in order to love you, but you need to know because that way you will understand how my relationship with you could have been when I didn’t even give a penny for myself.

If I do not want to, I would place the obligation on you to remind myself who I am and to be constantly satisfying my doubts about your love and my mistrust. You would be the one responsible for how I feel or at least it is how I would perceive it and act accordingly. You would have to rescue me every time my insecurities appeared on the scene to question my worth.

It would not be a healthy love, but rather our relationship would be an attempt to heal my wounds. With this I am not saying that when I feel ill, do not give me your warmth or offer me your arms as a refuge, but that you are not responsible for reminding me every day who I am and how much I am worth so that I can feel good. This is my task.

I refuse to let you be the one to pay for the ghosts of my past. That is why I need time to love myself, to locate my fears and my vulnerabilities and not drag them to harm us. Because you don’t have to rescue me or save me from my emptiness, you are not my savior.

What I want is to share my path with you from trust and understanding to build a love away from need and continue to grow. That’s why before I love you, I love myself. Because I don’t want to lose myself in the relationship but to lose myself with you.